The men that skewed my perceptions of romantic reality.

On this not-so-eventful Friday night, my mind has wondered. I'm not sure where the darn thing has got to, actually... Anyway, I'll write some junk while I'm looking for it.

In the absence of my lovely novel collection (which is now collecting dust at home), I have been watching a great deal too many videos lately. I could only go through so many Jane Austen novel-movie adaptations before I was struck with the following thought:

I would totally bang (insert male character's name here).

Now, this has lead to what I'm basing this post on: The male literary characters that have skewed my perceptions of romance. More to the point, which ones are bang-able. The following is a list that I've compiled of the leading men that, even in literary form, make me quiver in all the right places.

1. Heathcliff, "Wuthering Heights"
Now, I know what you're thinking: 'What the hell?! Heathcliff is an asshole!'
Yes, I'm of the same opinion but you know what? Even when he's torturing every one around him I still love him. It's the passion for his dear Cathy that is so captivating. -- I do not believe that the words 'brooding' and 'smouldering' could be more aptly used than on this sexy being. I don't know about you, but even if Heathcliff went all bipolar on me I would still do him... - we all know the crazies are the best in bed.

2. Mr Rochester, "Jane Eyre"
Ah, the Byronic hero of Jane Eyre. Simply put, his command over language would mean instant bedding for him. I always did like a man with intelligence. I guess I should probably hate the bastard for what he did to poor Jane in the novel... Luck is on the side of the master, though. If he can break my heart every time I read the novel, then there must be some sort of emotional attachment. A quote from the BBC version of Jane Eyre, "I'm used to giving orders and having them obeyed." - I will obey then, master!

3. Colonel Christopher Brandon, "Sense and Sensibility"
What a sweetie-pie!! Holy crap, I love this guy (Alan Rickman's portrayal helped a great deal). Colonel Brandon is honourable, loyal and attentive. Our dear Marianne Dashwood needed a little time to fall for him - Colonel Brandon is somewhat of an acquired taste - but a delicious taste nonetheless. When I think of Brandon,that Salt'n'Peppa song 'Whatta man' springs to mind. - Christopher does indeed have a body like Arnold with a Denzel face.

4. Laurie Laurence, "Little Women"
He's incredibly charming, for one. He's also like a little puppy, which adds to his appeal. You know, if you're going to pick the most desirable character, you may as well go with the narrator's choice. Boy, was Jo right!? Sweet, sensitive and all-round fantastic childhood boy to fall in love with. It has to be said - Extra marks for the fact that Christian Bale was Laurie in the movie version.

5. Mr Henry Tilney, "Northanger Abbey"
Tease, tease, tease. He's such a little flirt, and he has that boyish charm about him. I have a feeling that I would spend most of my time laughing at/with this fellow. You have got to love a man who can make you laugh, even if it's at your expense most of the time.

6. Phantom, "Phantom of the Opera"
I would totally choose this creepy theatre ghost over boorish Raoul any day of the week. Yes, it's painfully obvious that the Phantom lacks certain social skills... To be honest, I only put the Phantom in the list so I could say 'That fella could totally play /my/ organ all night'... Now that's over and done with, let's move on shall we? -- Oh, must admit that it would be intriguing to be the subject of the Phantom's torture rituals. No I am not a sadist. Are you?

Noteworthy mentions:
Mr Knightley, "Emma"
Aragorn, "Lord of the Rings"
Macbeth, "Macbeth"

I think that my list is done for now. It's getting late and I need to get to sleep so I can have sexy-time with my fictional men.

I will leave you with this thought, however...
What if you could combine all of your favourite male literary characters and make them real people? (Was that the deafening sound of my ovaries exploding?) I'm sure that the line-up to see my fictional man would extend all over the country. Too bad, ladies! My man is a one-woman lad.



I feel that tonight has been productive. Good night.


P.S - Fitzwilliam Darcy can go fuck off or something. What a miserable sod.